I’m hoping I don’t alienate you with this sudden turn toward crude and vulgar humor. According to most of the letters I’ve been receiving lately, a lot of you are responding positively to the relationship between my wife Cami and I. Today’s strip is about as far as you can get from that, but I really just wanted to use the name “Barfy McPukes-A-Lot” as a punch line.

Truthfully, I don’t think I’ve ever drawn projectile vomit quite so masterfully.

I’m just glad I’m not making another reference to Daredevil, Ben Affleck or My Big Fat Greek Wedding. For the last two weeks, it feels like it’s been the only thing I’ve been talking about.

As far as Old School is considered, I’m psyched to see it. I could use a good, stupid comedy right now. Just the remedy to chase off the winter doldrums.

Everyone I’ve talked to is pumped to see this flick and I think a lot of it has to do with Will Ferrell. A Night at the Roxbury not withstanding, Ferrell has always struck gold on the big screen. He practically walked away with Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

The fact that this movie was made by the guys who did Road Trip earns extra points in my book. I always felt that movie was one of the better in the teen gross-out bonanza of a few years ago. It kinda slips under the radar. But if your movie has a python biting Tom Green’s hand, how can you fail?!

I’ve read a few advanced reviews of the film and critics are taking their billy clubs to it. Typical. The further I go in life, one resounding lesson becomes clear: MOVIE CRITICS KNOW NOTHING ABOUT COMEDY!

And really, why should they? What’s funny is a concept infinitely open to interpretation. Take Cami, for example. She’s as smart as she is beautiful (aw, here comes the mushy stuff again!), but she’ll be incapacitated with laughter by a good fart joke. I’m serious. You could just walk up to her and say “poop” and get a giggle out of her. Sure, it may be juvenile and offensive to Bitchy McMovie-Reviewer, but don’t take the fun out of it for the rest of us.

And what is with me and all these fake names?

Generally, I find critics useless and only use a select few as a reverse litmus test. I.E. – “Reviewer X” hated this movie. I’m sure to love it! The only reason a read any reviews at all is to get different opinions on dramas. Really these are the only films from which rational discourse can be derived. If you’re sitting around analyzing the “eating beans around the campfire” scene from Blazing Saddles, you’re reading into things too much. Drama, on the other hand, lends itself to lively debate.

That being said, I’m seeing Old School tonight and Bitchy McMovie-Reviewer can eat my ass with a spoon.

:: SWITCHING GEARS ::

For those of you that are interested, I found this story at CNN.com about a woman who has filed a class action lawsuit against Lowe’s Theaters for the ads they place in front of movies.

For those of you too lazy to read the entire article, the gist of it is that a Chicago-area English teacher thinks theaters are putting out false advertising by saying a movie starts at 7:30, when really it doesn’t start until after you’ve sat through 10 minutes of commercials. Part of the complaint stems from resenting to pay money to watch commercials when you can do it for free at home. She is seeking lost time damages of $75 per plaintiff in the suit.

I’m not a big fan of these ads, but I think this lady is barking up the wrong tree. She’ll never win.

For one, this practice of putting ads before movies brings in over $200 million dollars annually for distributors. They expect that figure to jump another million dollars in the next year alone. And as we all know, anything that makes money in the movie industry ALWAYS trumps consumer comfort or complaints.

You also have to think about what this money allows theaters to afford. Everyone would love to sit in a theater with stadium seats with little cup holders. But that’s not going to happen without ad money coming in. That is, unless you want to pay for a small Coke that costs $15.

On the other hand, you have to ask “How much is enough?” Box office receipts have been increasing every year for the last decade. More people are going to more movies at twice the cost it was even 5 years ago. Despite some of the bigger chains having to close a few locations, these guys are raking it in.

But ultimately, the logic is flawed. What are movie previews if not commercials for the next “product” being sent into theaters by the studios? One could even argue that the movies themselves are commercials — prompting you to buy soundtracks, action figures, t-shirts or other assorted merchandise. Let’s not forget about product placement in movies, either. Should I pay good money to know that Martin Lawrence is a security guard at a Coca-Cola distribution center? Probably not, but I didn’t make the movie.

This whole debate is a question of taste. Which, by now, this woman should have learned that the movie industry has none. One pithy lawsuit isn’t going to make Hollywood snap to attention and realize that their customers don’t like being annoyed. Like all of life’s other inconveniences, ads in front of movies will becomes just another gimmick we teach ourselves to filter out and ignore.

:: END RANT ::

One last bit of business. Today’s college-themed strip is appropriate because lately I’ve been getting e-mails from friends I used to go to school with. They’re all scattered around the country right now, so I think it’s a real trip that they’ve found the site and the time to write me.

So thanks to Jenny, Dan and Eric. Your support means a lot.

Oh, and you reading this. I think you’re pretty cool, too. 🙂