I know that making fun of a Lindsay Lohan movie is kind of like shooting fish in a barrel that have been coked up and spray tanning for years (allegedly!), but the premise of I Know Who Killed Me was too delicious to pass up. I know a lot of guys who still think Lohan is hot because they’re into girls who barely know how to hold their liquor and I know women who want to string Lohan up by her Louis Vuitton handbag for setting the women’s movement back 20 years. I mean, flashing your lady parts for publicity? That’s just sad.

Lohan plays a girl that’s been kidnapped, tortured and left for dead. When she wakes up, she insists that she’s not the person that people were looking for (they just look alike!) and the original girl is still in danger.
You can try to read the plot synopsis over at IMDB and see if it makes sense to you. I read it three times before giving up. Basically it’s a role meant to show off Lohan’s acting chops as she tackles the same character from different emotional perspectives. But does anyone really care at this point?

By now, Lindsay Lohan is known more for the company she keeps and her constant run-ins with the law. Her most famous role isn’t on screen. Her most famous role is being a drunk socialite with crazy parents. Anyone who is a fan of hers seems to be an apologist of some kind – always citing her incredible acting talent. Often you hear her name mentioned in the same breath as Drew Barrymoore – another actress who showed promise early on, but was derailed by the Hollywood party scene before getting her act together.

My question is, why does everyone things she’s such a great actress? I mean, recent movies like Georgia Rule and Herbie Fully Loaded maybe aren’t films that one can fairly gauge her talent with because, by the time those movies were made, she was already a fixture in tabloids. So what about the movies pre-fame? Freaky Friday, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen and the much lauded Mean Girls – plus a handful of Disney movies like The Parent Trap and Life Size.

A few of these movies I’ve seen and a few of them I haven’t. Mean Girls, for example – Lohan was never really the star. It was Tina Fey’s whip-smart screenplay that takes that credit. There seemed to be an inkling of talent in The Parent Trap, but she was, like, eight years-old at the time, so who can judge?

My point is that there is nothing in Lohan’s body of work that suggests to me that she’s the next Jodie Foster and I think deep down she probably knows that. So why not live it up when you have the money? What frustrates me is that she keeps being offered these second chances because she somehow fooled America into thinking she’s either A.) interesting or B.) talented – of which she is neither. I mean, to land a role in Robert Altman’s last movie? How does that happen?

It’s all part of the great American cycle of fame. We love to build you up and we love to tear you down. And if you can make a comeback, we love you all the more.

Until we tear you down again.

Maybe Lohan is interesting to some because she’s at once both nakedly ambitious as she is equally self-destructive. Sometimes she’s just naked! But there’s only so many times you can catch me with the “No, I really CAN act!” maneuver before you lose all credibility by hanging out with Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. The fact of the matter is, if she wanted to be taken seriously at all, she wouldn’t be showing up in trendy Hollywood night clubs. You can complain all you like about the paparazzi and how they won’t leave you alone. But there’s a simple solution – stay home.

/end rant

Hey, guys – Don’t forget to check out tonight’s broadcast of The Triple Feature over at Talkshoe. We go live at 9:00 PM CST. Not sure what we’re talking about this week, but odds are good that it isn’t I Know Who Killed Me. Personally, I won’t mind exploring I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. I took a swipe at it in the blog I posted on Saturday (sorry for the delay on Friday’s comic, BTW) and there was some interesting feedback in the comments section. It seems like some people were willing to give the movie a pass, but others were concerned about the film’s dangerous attitudes about homosexuality – even if it was being played for laughs. I might trying bouncing that off Joe and Gordon to see what they think. But odds are good we’ll probably spend most of the hour talking about The Simpsons Movie.

So tune in!