How does The Rock get his eyebrow to do that high-arch thing? Simple. Through an exhaustive and dedicated work out regimen. He whipped that eyebrow into shape in no time!

Normally it isn’t within my sphere of influence to criticism movies based on video games. I usually leave that to the big guns. They’re the ones with the fram of reference. But with virtually no buzz surrounding Doom when it hits theaters this Friday, I had to kick a sick dog.

Can anyone tell me of any movie based on a video game that was successful? Tomb Raider, maybe. But I think that was because horny gamers wanted to see Angelina Jolie in a tank top for two hours.

I would consider Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within an artistic success, but financially it was a dud and it’s plot was as contrived and obtuse as the games it was inspired by. I suppose in that way, it’s the most faithful adaptation of a video game to silver screen so far!

Naturally anything with Uwe Boll’s name on it is considered box office poison. Alone in the Dark? House of the Dead? ∗RETCH!∗ Take a look at his track record and I assure you that Bloodrayne will follow suit next January? Can someone explain how they tricked Ben Kingsley into doing this movie? My best guess is that it involved a lot of zeros.

Same goes for The Rock and the big-screen adaptation of Doom. Did Doom even have a plot? I guess Hell breaks loose on Mars, right? I mean, literally. And there’s a chainsaw and a big gun or something. Wow. Sounds like a wise investment of your entertainment dollar.

Maybe I would be interested in soaking up some Grade-Z schlock if all the monsters these days weren’t computer generated gobbledy-gook. At least have the good sense to give us some really intricate puppets for them to blast holes into.

Remember the head-exploding scene in Scanners? They did that stuff by filling a latex head with dog food and rabbit livers, and shooting it from behind with a 12-gauge shotgun. Like, for real. It would never happen today, but that’s Cronenberg for you.

Not much else to say at the moment. Have to get up early tomorrow morning for a photo shoot I’m conducting. Ta, ta!