At this point, Star Wars: The Clone Wars has been so thoroughly and universally dismissed, there’s almost no point in joining the chorus. But, dammit, I spent my $8.50 and I sat through this slag heap that calls itself a movie, so I’m gonna have my say!

Before I work up a boil, let my preface things by stating that I understand that Star Wars: The Clone Wars isn’t as much of a movie as it is an extended television cartoon show as it is comprised of the first three episodes that will air on the Cartoon Network later this year.

As such, I also understand that I – a robust man of 30 – is not the target demo for this movie. It’s aimed squarely at the hearts and minds of 7-year-olds instead.

With this information factored in (and my expectations already set low by the advance reviews), I have to state that Star Wars: The Clone Wars is probably one of THE WORST movies I have ever seen. Period. This movie didn’t disappoint in the manner that the second trilogy of films did. Where, as a fan, you watch them and say “That’s cool, but I wish they would have done this instead…” You don’t compare it to the other Star Wars movies and say,”Well, I liked the first trilogy better.”

No. You don’t compare Star Wars: The Clone Wars to other movies in the Star Wars franchise. You compare them against other movies that suck.

It’s one thing to do the nitpicky fanboy thing and complain about how the movie didn’t have the text crawl in the opening moments or how you’re supposed to root for Anakin and his new padawan Ashoka with the full knowledge that Anakin will be the architect of her murder by the next movie chronologically. It fails from a pure narrative standpoint. It’s nothing but a punch of posturing, cliched one-liners that string together one battle sequence with another.

And, OH! Those battle sequences! SO. BORING. Seriously, I fell asleep probably somewhere around the start of the second act. I wouldn’t normally admit that, except I’ve been reading several comments from others that admit the same. Should I be falling asleep during a battle sequence?

That speaks to the larger problem with The Clone Wars. Think back to Episode IV: A New Hope when Alex Guiness as Obi-One Kenobi casually mentions fighting alongside Anakin Skywalker in The Clone Wars. Fans have been trying to imagine what that must have been like for over 30 years!

Along comes the second trilogy and they don’t really address it. They focus more on Anakin’s fall to The Dark Side. Okay, makes sense. All six movies are really about Anakin, his transformation and redemption. But now we have a movie about nothing BUT The Clone Wars! Imagine what they’ll do with it!

And they do… nothing. There’s no weight. No impact. Even the lightsaber duels are tepid and by-the-book. Considering the film is ANIMATED, they had a real opportunity to take the chains off and show us action sequences that stretch beyond the threshold of what would be believable in a live-action film. They had cart blanch to do whatever they wanted and they didn’t take it.

That’s what offends me most about this film. Screenwriter Henry Gilroy (whose resume is rife with mediocre television cartoon credits) was given the keys to the kingdom. He had the opportunity to play around with some of the most inventive cinematic creations and concepts of the last 50 years and he did NOTHING new with them.

I can’t put all the blame on his shoulders. After all, I’m sure Lucas had to sign off on it at some point. But the movie is just one giant missed opportunity in my mind and it really has no business in theaters after being advertised as the missing link in the second trilogy.

Seriously – the ads and trailers for this movie made it look dark and serious. Instead we have “Stinky” the Hutt and a padawan that calls Anakin “Sky Guy” BLECH!

This “movie” should have been relegated to television where the fanboys would have tuned in, still think it was crap, but given it a pass because Hey, it’s for kids. I mean, no one finds The Star Wars Holiday Special, Droids or Ewoks a threat to official movie cannon and that’s because they started on television. People take it less seriously. It’s fun. We get it.

Instead, Star Wars: The Clone Wars gets pumped into theaters to clean more cash out of the wallets of fans who deserve better than to be lied to.

I wish I could compliment the film a little. I give it points for it’s visual style. Which – while chunky – has a nice painterly style and is dramatically and effectively lit.

But any compliment I could extend the film feels like a hollow gesture in light of the larger betrayal the movie represents toward the franchise.

I understand the importance of replenishing the well with younger fans. But the WHOLE POINT of the Star Wars movies is that it makes adults feel like kids again. That they can slip into another universe full of fantastic adventure and mystical religions – noble knights and deathly villains.

Instead, they’re spitting on our minds.

…

That’s enough for now. If you’d like to hear more about Star Wars: The Clone Wars, be sure to tune into The Triple Feature tonight at 9:00 PM CST.

I know Joe isn’t looking forward to the show because he actually liked the movie. But I promise to keep it civil. My negative reactions are personal. If you liked the movie, good for you. But for me… no dice.

Oh, and for the adults, we’ll be talking about Tropic Thunder as well.

Talk to you soon!