I’m starting to get a little static in the THorum for what has developed into my anti-Snakes On A Plane agenda. I don’t care. I’m like a hound dog with a bone. You’re not gonna shake this lose. If there were people out there declaring themselves hard-core S.O.A.P. fans before it hit theaters, I’m allowed to have a dissenting opinion and declare it overhyped. I don’t need to see it to have that opinion confirmed. It’s poor box office speaks for itself.

Snakes On A Plane did $15 million this weekend. It’s nothing to sneeze at, I suppose. Especially considering the overall downturn of American box office tallies. But at the same time, for a film that’s been hyped since February – adopted as the internet’s love child –  $15 million doesn’t impress me.

It’ll make it’s budget back and I’m sure it’ll live in infamy as the first big-budget Hollywood movie to be both influenced by and spin the overwhelming interest of the internet to it’s advantage. In that respect, it will be a success. A miniscule triumph of marketing over content.

But Snakes On A Plane could have been so much more! Y’see… that’s what you guys don’t understand about my criticisms. I criticisize because I love!

If New Line had left well enough alone and released S.O.A.P. when interest was at a fever pitch, they could have had a monster on their hands. What people overlook is that the movie wrapped in September of 2005. Word started to leak in February of 2006 and by the time the internet got a hold of it by April, ironic hipsters were in a frenzy. Two months later the mainstream media got a hold of it and the whole country was primed.

New Line should have released S.O.A.P in June. They could have been the forerunner of the ’06 blockbuster season. The biggest, dumbest B-movie that America would have fallen head over heels for since Armageddon. In June of ’06, I was READY to see this movie. I was right there with the rest of you!

But then, like a gallon of milk set out in the hot summer sun, it spoiled. It was overhyped and I lost interest. I got tired of waiting!

Clearly the five week reshoot to add more "rated R" material didn’t help it. A $15 million dollar opening weekend communicates only one thing – that the internet interest in a film doesn’t translate into a box office success. If I was someone who went to the effort of making a parody song or poster, invested all this time believing that the movie was going to be the best thing since sliced bread… I would feel a little used.

I mean, didn’t you get the sense from reading all of these blogs and visiting all of these web sites that talked about how great S.O.A.P. was going to bewere in it partially to show that the internet has real-world influence? That we’re not just sitting in our basements, firing off angry diatribes at Ain’t It Cool News and leaking screenplays to CHUD? That we actually CONTRIBUTE to the filmmaking process somehow? Then the film does $15 million in it’s first weekend after nearly HALF A YEAR of buildup and the influence of the internet is revealed to be  a paper tiger.

For someone like myself who communicates his art primiarily through the internet, I can understand why having a dissenting opinion would be unpopular. It smacks of biting the hand that feeds you. And I understand that I’m being harsh by declaring the movie "over" without even seeing it. But I have a real issue with being hoodwinked by marketing – organic, viral or otherwise and in this instance, I didn’t want to play into it. I don’t mind having my strings pulled from time to time. Just don’t let me see the hands of the puppeteer.

I could be all wrong about S.O.A.P. Friends I’ve talked to says it delivers exactly what you want it to. A million different death-by-snake scenarios and an entertaining ride. Maybe word-of-mouth will spur an incredible comeback at the box office for the second week. Who knows? But I think, ultimately, it’ll end up being a big cult film on DVD and by next month most people will have forgotten completely about it.

When you think about it, is that so bad? I mean, hipsters would have made this movie their own regardless of the hype. This time around they got a wild hair up their rear and tried to spread their enthusiasm to the mainstream. They failed, but that’s nothing to be ashamed of.